Processing Nathaniel

One
You left and I am here
Cold and alone
Shaking with anticipation of what is to come.
Nothing left for me here.
Surrounded by your things
Comforting and familiar
Distasteful and somber
A morbid alter to your life.
Your bed provides a strange peace at this time.
The walls are closing in
Angry with my invasion.
I can’t see,
Can’t breath,
Just close my eyes,
Knowing you will wake me when it’s over.
I mustn’t scream,
Mustn’t breath,
Mustn’t cry for you.

Two
Hard sharp gasps
I’ve locked myself in
This airport bathroom
To purge my mind of you.
Want to scream
And stomp but
This airport bathroom
Is not the place for that.
So, elegantly restrained
Choked sobs of anguish
And silent tears in
This airport bathroom.


Three
I lie awake on this hard bed
Listen to the chatter of Geekos
And the abrasive hum
Of the air being frozen.
Across the world
Still thinking of you
Elaborate plans
Wishing you’d write
Wishing you’d find me here.

Four
I used to dream of you
But then
I also used to dream of;
Running in front of trucks,
Jumping off a bridge,
The one over the motorway,
The one by your house.
All things considered
I’d rather you left me alone.

Five
Whatever you think,
This is better.
I don’t do that anymore.

Windy City

So here I am in this city
Walking these streets again
At home and lonely, Safe, and lost
With wind in my heart and my hair

The wrath sun pokes holes
In the Tiramisu thick clouds
So spots of light appear
Transient warmth on this grey day

The sky spits and the cars flick dirt
While stray newspapers wrap
Themselves around legs
Hungry cats affectionate for food

The snails are all washed out
Driven to homeless wandering
Trailing their silken paths
Where the careless feet tread

Caterpillar Song

Today I talked to a cat
And a caterpillar
It crawled along its leaf and
Raised its head to me

On the corner there were
Three business men
Playing hacky sack
In the sun

The jasmine on the windowsill
Masks the smell
Less like something died in here
And the water drips from the roof
Onto the petals

Dark wood/Lost girl

Early morning.
Dark wood.
Lost girl .
Walks towards the city glow.
Jasmine lingering in the cold air.
Rotting leaves squelch, the only sound.

Warm home.
Safe light.
City noise and human smells.
People who pester.
Those who care.
She would rather be lost again.

Blackbird

There is a black bird
Nesting
In our gables.
She thinks it’s a secret,
But I can see her reflection
In the window
Of the house
Next door.

I have replaced you with a hot water bottle. It's hardly ideal, but I'll survive.